Single Guy Stuck in Affair with Married Woman

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Yesterday, 10:24 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Dec 2012 Posts: 1	Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives. I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met. Within a week of meeting, we began to openly date and I thought all was ok and that she would be leaving soon. Her husband, although not happy, acknowledged that she was moving on. However, after three months her husband did a 180 degree turn and begged for her forgiveness. She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage, which is difficult to understand given she is a child therapist. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point, which i know was mistake, but I was totally in love and as she claims to be. Now I must add, she has overcome the most traumatic of childhoods, the kind you might see in a lifetime movie. Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever). I am still in this situation and for some reason have been totally unable to walk away. Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well".
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Yesterday, 10:50 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 6,741	She is cake eating.. keeping the two of you on a string. It's a very gratifying thing... to have two people loving you and fight for you. Lucky her. And she can keep this game up for a very long time until one of you takes your game pieces and leaves. She?s a child therapist and you don?t? understand why she is not ready to grieve her marriage? Well she does not have to. You are not going anywhere. Her husband is not going anywhere. By the way, most cheaters tell their affair partner that their spouse is controlling. Now why does a child therapist allow her husband to control her for years? Either it did not happen or she?s really messed up in head. You are the transition relationship... the guy that boosts her ego... the guy she gets to rub in her cheating husband's face. How much fun is it to be that guy? How do you love someone who is using you this way? Do you know that only about 3% of affairs last once the cheater leaves their spouse? She will dump you either when she?s done punishing her husband and gets back with him 100% or when she?s ready to grieve her marriage and move on. If she will cheat on her husband with you, she will cheat on you. Are you willing to take the chance on a relationship that as less than a 3% chance of making it? Last edited by EleGirl; Yesterday at 11:08 PM.
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Yesterday, 11:45 PM	? #5 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 1,043	I am sorry you were sucked in by the lie that her husband and her were "separating" Walk away man. There are children in this and you are making it impossible for them to talk. You are here asking for help. It is a tough board to do that on. I respect you for it. You know what you have to do already. You have to be the man and walk away. You know this. JUST DO IT. It must be total no contact and you must be absolute. You are being used. She is using you to get back at her husband and keeping you dangling. Cake eating. Doesn't matter. You have to walk. Be the man that you should be. Good luck. The heartbreak will be hard but the longer this goes on the worse it will be. __________________ Eats unicorns for breakfast.
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Yesterday, 11:48 PM	? #6 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: NYC Posts: 943	Quote: Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives. I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met. Within a week of meeting, we began to openly date and I thought all was ok and that she would be leaving soon. Her husband, although not happy, acknowledged that she was moving on. However, after three months her husband did a 180 degree turn and begged for her forgiveness. She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage, which is difficult to understand given she is a child therapist. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point, which i know was mistake, but I was totally in love and as she claims to be. Now I must add, she has overcome the most traumatic of childhoods, the kind you might see in a lifetime movie. Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever). I am still in this situation and for some reason have been totally unable to walk away. Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well". Cheating is wrong. Do you believe in right and wrong? If you both are truly soulmates, then you both will end the affair and let her divorce and end her marriage and her life with her husband before she starts a new life with you. This poor woman is under the utter and complete control of her husband? She is unable to leave him? Yet he cannot control her having an affair with you? Warning, warning, danger Will Robinson, this does not compute. If she is strong enough to have an affair, she is strong enough to leave her husband. If she wants to. If she is still with her husband, that means she does not want to leave him. You don't have to walk away from her. Stay where you are. Let her divorce her husband and come to you. Her life with you is a fantasy. You give her all the attention one gets in a new romance. You go to romantic dinners. You gaze deeply into each other's eyes and tell each other how you were made for one another, how you will be together forever someday, in a land where there are no problems with kids, no dirty laundry, no dirty bathrooms to clean. Your love with her is so clean and pure, not the impure love she now suffers with her husband, the evil man who tricked her into marrying her just so he can control her and make her unhappy, which he undoubtedly feels is his only joy on this earth. Is this the kind of opinion you were looking for? It looks like she met you, sold you a bill of goods about who she was, then pulled the old bait and switch. She was able to hide her crazy for awhile. Now you are trying to find out which is the real her, and making inane posts like these two pearls: Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever). Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well". Those two gems make you look like you are in a love-induced stupor. Those are like the kind of things you hear in a hokey movie. Come back to real life. Her husband is not keeping her prisoner. She can leave him if she wants to. Cheating is wrong no matter how you look at it. Maybe you thought you were in a "true open loving relationship" but it doesn't seem she was. So tell her that you are not a cheater, you don't want to sneak around, and you don't want a woman who is married to someone else. In the process, take a step back and look at this from the persepective of you reading someone else who has posted this.
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Today, 12:04 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: NYC Posts: 943	Quote: She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point. So she told her husband she wanted to give up the affair and work on the marriage? Or just wanted to stay married while she had an affair? How would you expect her husband to act, in either situation? Imagine you are married to this woman and you find out she has cheated on you. You decide to work it out for the sake of the kids. You find out she still is hiding contact with other man. Is it possible that you may react in the same way as her husband, wanting to know her whereabouts, looking at cell phone bills, and asking her to end the affair? Or would you just say, "ok, let me know when you are ready to grieve our marriage, until then, carry on your affair with other man, I will just keep the status quo until you decide you are ready to finally divorce me."? How would you react if you were in her husband's position? I think your problem should be with the person who is committing adultery with you, not her husband.
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Today, 12:32 AM	? #15 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 511	Quote: Looking for some outside opinions on my situation. I am newly single in a very amicable split from my ex after being separated for almost 2 years ontop of an 18 year marriage. I dated several woman in the first year following the breakup, with the experience of ending some relationships by my choice and some not. My marriage never included infidelity on either side and I guess we are one of the few couples who actually grew apart and felt we wanted different lives. I met Mary one year ago. An instant connection that I have never felt before with anyone including my wife. We spent the first night talking about our lives and fact she was going through a separation and still living with her husband. I did not see any red flags because I was in same situation due to parental and financial reasons for a time after my own separation. Her marriage was riddled with her husband's infidelity that included two long-term affairs. She explained she would never be able to get over the second one that she found out about 3 months before we met. Within a week of meeting, we began to openly date and I thought all was ok and that she would be leaving soon. Her husband, although not happy, acknowledged that she was moving on. However, after three months her husband did a 180 degree turn and begged for her forgiveness. She claimed she was not emotionally ready to grieve her marriage, which is difficult to understand given she is a child therapist. Her husband began to make her life impossible demanding her whereabouts, cell phone bills, etc and that she end it. With threats ranging from harming himself to constantly telling her how guilty she should be for giving up on their children. We decided to proceed as an affair as at this point, which i know was mistake, but I was totally in love and as she claims to be. Now I must add, she has overcome the most traumatic of childhoods, the kind you might see in a lifetime movie. Her husband was the only man she has ever been with besides me and has controlled her her whole life and I believe breaking from that process might be a long-term proposition (if ever). I am still in this situation and for some reason have been totally unable to walk away. Not looking for validation, but because this started as a true open loving relationship I don't believe it has to suffer same fate as "once a cheater always a cheater" or "starts as affair never ends well". And you seriously ate all the bullsh!t she fed you? People will paint their spouses to be pedophiles if it means they can have a few orgasms. You're fooling yourself if you think that this started as an open and loving relationship. Cake eating that's how it started. You won't ever walk away unless you have enough self respect to do so.
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